Friday 16 November 2012

Why we need men that care

I've been thinking about the impact of fatherless alot recently. Both my husband and I have experienced it in different ways. My husband's father died when he was 6 months old so he never really knew him and my father died suddenly during my first year at university. We're both very aware of the impact this has had on our lives, as adults. We both work at the Jesus Centre in our Step up project which reaches out to the homeless, roofless and vulnerably housed. Statistically up to 85% of them will have experienced some form of fatherlessness.

This may include an emotionally absent father, physically absent, passive or aggressive father.  Some of the documented issues fatherlessness creates for young men who experience it include:

* Anger
* Insecurities about who they are
* Fierce independence 
* lack of trust in authority
* competativeness
* inability to share their feelings  
* inability to relate to their own children 

Consequently they struggle to relate to the notion of God as a loving father who is there for them.

 So what's that got to do with needing men who care? Well, it got me thinking because we're recruiting a new Deputy manager, Drop in manager and personal development worker at the Jesus Centre at the moment. Statistically, according to the latest figures in 'The UK voluntary sector workforce Almanac' 68% of staff in the voluntary sector are woman. 


As a species women are generally much better suited to the nurturing, caring role which is why so many will go for jobs where they can teach, help and support people to make improvements in their lives


However, statistically here at the Jesus Centre 75% of our visitors to the Step Up project are male. 55% of our total visitors to the Jesus Centre are male. That's an awful lot of men who will be effected by issues of fatherlessness. They need men who can positively model fathering to them if we want them to even begin to relate to God their heavenly father.


Men who can help them learn how to find forgiveness for their fathers and release for their anger
Men who have found their security in who God says they are 
Men who can support them show them it's ok to be vulnerable and admit your need for other people
Men who are trustworthy and will be true to their word
Men who will listen and encourage them to share their feelings
Men who will relate to them and teach them how to relate as fathers to their own children.

As the saying goes "Anyone can be a dad.. it takes a man to be a father"
Are you man enough to take up the challenge to be a father to this fatherless generation?  

Monday 29 October 2012

The comfort of strangers


 I was reading an article in a newspaper the other day; the title and accompanying graphic caught my attention. It was about the impact that small acts of kindness from strangers at times of crisis can have on us. .."because they are strangers...their kindness takes on extra significance" (1)



It made me think of how a little can go along way in our work at Northampton Jesus Centre. In the last few weeks I've had 2 middle aged women come in just for some one to talk to, both battling with depression and feeling there was no one to turn to; so they sought out the listening ear of a stranger. 


This photograph is symbolic in most people's minds of the compassion in action during the aftermath of the 7/11 London bombings. A day full of tragedy, but also many stories of the kindness of strangers in the midst of devestation and horrorific images of suffering. It is a reminder, the article goes on to say that "we need each other".
In our social- media obsessed generation where we have more possibilities to be connected with strangers than ever before, why is it that people feel more isolated and alone than ever before too?

The writer goes on to suggest "that the significance of a strangers actions become imprinted on us when our survival is called into question"  (1)


 

This was true for Sid who tells his story on your Tube "Socks- Northampton Jesus Centre". During the lowest point in his life, where he was being swallowed up by a sense of aloneness and alcohol the small act of kindness from a total stranger in laundering and folding his socks, transformed his life, allowing him to feel connected to another human being, he had never met, who cared about him.


 
 "In times of trouble these moments of connection remind us what it is to be human" (1)

Here at Northampton Jesus Centre we rely on a team of faithful volunteers, who each day will become some one's hero; not because they do anything dramatic or extravagant, but simply because they are there when a new visitor, in crisis, walks through the door. Many of them only come once but in that one encounter is the possibility to re-connect someone, in difficulty, with the fact they are human,because another human being has shown they care about them.
 
(1) All quotes from Jon Bauer's article "The comfort of strangers" Tuesday 23rd October 2012,article in The I.
 
 

Tuesday 7 August 2012

Hope to the hopeless

   Today someone came into the drop in I haven't seen for nearly 5 years. She initially came as as a visitor to the drop in needing help with drug and alcohol addiction. Through the help and support of the staff and volunteers and friends she made through the church she got her life back on track and eventually became a volunteer and then suddenly she disappeared .....until this morning. So what had brought her in this morning? Needing some where to be where she could talk and know she'd be listened to and needing to re-connect with a time in her life before the threat of cancer ever existed; a place where she'd find hope, support and friendship.


I've been doing research into our new visitors at our Step Up drop in scheme. In June we had 40 new visitors half of which appeared to only come in once. Of course like our visitor this morning, that doesn't mean that's the last we'll ever see of them... but equally it might be unless we ensure that all our visitors to the Jesus Centre know that should they find themselves in need, however, they left things last time they will find acceptance, friendship and support.


 None of us know what lies waiting for us just around the corner. None of us include divorce, bereavement, terminal illness, an addiction, mental illness in our 5 year goal plan but these things happen to many of the visitors we see in the drop in. That is when it is often easier to come in and talk to a stranger as they try to make sense of it all. There may come a time, like this morning, when a visitor or ex-volunteer needs to return because life has suddenly taken an apparent turn for the worst.


In the midst of a storm it is often comforting to know there is someone whose been through a difficult time and come through to calmer waters. To hear words of life, encouragement and hope when all you've heard is cancer, may be terminal, no hope, I'm sorry there's nothing we can do. As Christians, all our volunteers are able to offer the hope they have found through finding a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. They will never force their faith on anyone but are willing to offer prayer, support, a listening ear and words of encouragement to anyone who comes in and needs it.
That's why it is always encouraging when people come back; may be after a time in prison, in rehab, or moving away. It means that they know that they'll find love, acceptance and support and a chance to start again 

For more info or to help us to help them start again go to www.jesuscentre.org.uk

Monday 16 July 2012

The rules of multiplication

       
 This morning in the midst of a busy Monday morning drop in shift, whilst in the throws of a discussion I'd provoked on the sanctity of life vs the right of the individual to choose to die (why do I start these provocative God spots on a Monday morning?!) I was called to the window by a young man whose face I recognised but couldn't place. I knew I'd met him recently at the Jesus Centre but until he started to speak I couldn't remember where; "I just wanted to come in to say thank you for helping me the other week".. (I mentally polished my Mother Theresa halo, but still couldn't remember what I'd done or said!) "I feel much better now.. " Ping suddenly I remembered him... Lonely, depressed, drinking too much after a relationship break up,no job, feeling like there was no future no, hope. He didn't have any faith & he wasn't looking for any so he didn't want any prayer. When he went away 1/2hr later after I'd listened and given him a word of philosophical encouragement, I didn't know whether he'd go out & throw himself into the canal or drink himself to oblivion; "I've got a job (I'd suggested he drop his CV into every employment agency in Northampton) and I have to be up at 5am so I don't go out drinking in the evenings anymore. I just wanted to come in and let you know and say thank you."


Last week was the last English class for speakers of other languages until after the summer break. Some of the students have been with the class for the whole 9 months. When the tutor asked what they had valued about the class the answer she was given was "we feel so loved by you"

The same week a guy came into the drop in we hadn't seen for months to tell the whole assembled drop in crew that he'd found God in rehab and it had changed his life.


Jesus told a story in the Bible about a boy who brought 5 loaves and 2 fish to Him when he was looking for a lunch snack for at least 5 thousand people. (Now that's my definition of an optimist!) Some times we can feel very like that young boy with his lunch;  helpless and able to do so little to meet all the demands and needs we encounter in an average week but we bring the little that we can do and then watch as God steps in and multiplies our efforts. Sometimes we never get to hear how the story ends but every so often, usually when we're really stretched and most need the encouragement God blesses us with the gift of seeing how what He was able to add to our small effort, changed the whole story of someones life. 

We never hear what effect Jesus using that boy's lunch that day had on him; He never came back to say "hey because of that day, Jesus, I became a Rabbi or a priest." But I like to think that, like any young boy would, he went home and he kept sharing with people what happened so that not just his life was touched by what Jesus had done but many of his friends and families too. And I hope the same is true for those people who we help here at the Jesus Centre. That because of the small things we do out of love many more people will be given hope and their story will change.

Reflecting back on the discussion in the drop in this morning which I concluded by challenging folk to think about what lies beyond this life and to consider whether they believe in a life after death... maybe that's where we'll meet all the people we never knew who we're touched by our small acts of love.

Wednesday 11 July 2012

TEAM works

"If you want to go fast go alone; if you want to go far go with others- African proverb




        I've had cause to reflect, recently on this African proverb through a set of circumstances which has meant that all 3 members of staff trained to open up and oversee the daily management of the Jesus Centre were either off sick or away. Since it's never happened in 8 1/2years we've never had to work out what to do! As our evening & weekend deputies responded to the call to step in and provide cover I considered how important it is for projects and the people concerned that we don't become over reliant on one or two people to keep things running

 What I've noticed is that, in the face of adversity everyone has risen to the challenge and suddenly instead of being a group of individuals, each 'doing our bit' we are working together; everyone aware that their contribution is making a difference to the big picture. We tend to fall into relying on the same few people because it's easier than taking the time to work out if there's another solution but this is not a good strategy for the long term sustainability of a project.


 As Christians we believe that we have a 'father in heaven' who wants to supply the resources, wisdom, grace that we need but how often do we forget to ask Him? Sometimes it seems quicker or easier to rely on ourselves or others, rather than God Himself. Sometimes, that's precisely why, I believe, God allows crises or hindrances to crop up in our projects; He wants to remind us that we can rely on Him. He wants to be at the centre of what we do and as a loving father He enjoys being asked to help out.


And the same thing that is true for our projects and the visitors we try and help is true in our own lives too. The church is a team; the Bible talks about it as a 'body with many parts'. When we go through difficult circumstances God doesn't mean for us to suffer on our own. 

Often I meet people in our drop in, through our listening service, or amongst our volunteers and staff who were cruising along in the fast lane, unaware that they were leaving their family and friends behind until one day they crashed mentally, emotionally or physically and woke up to discover they didn't like where they'd ended up and worse still they had arrived there all alone. 



Often they had never given God, or the church any thought; they were living life in the fast lane and these things seemed irrelevant and unnecessary to their journey.  Then suddenly feeling aware of their aloneness they got to a crisis point where they couldn't find any motivation or sense in continuing the journey at all. Some descend into addictions, depression, illness or even contemplate ending their life completely; that's the point which as 'church' we ought to be there ready and waiting to to encourage them that the next stage in their journey does not need to be on their own, but with others. The Bible also talks about that as a body 'if one suffers, all suffer together'. 


 Here at the Jesus Centre we aim to provide a place where fellow sufferers can pause on their journey and work out where they want to go next. Sometimes that involves considering faith and asking questions about what is the purpose of their journey, where their journey will end up and what is their ultimate destination in life? We run small groups for people who are asking these searching questions and help them to find the answer for themselves.


So that's why it's been so important to be able to keep the Jesus Centre open during this time of high staff absences. Just as we will go farther if we learn to go together, so we can more effectively help those who come looking for an antidote for their loneliness and suffering, sharing the lessons we've learnt in the hope that many will decide to join the exciting journey that we're on, knowing that we'll get where we're meant to be......together.


for more information check out www.jesuscentre.org.uk, www.newcreation.org.uk, www.jesus.org.uk

Friday 18 May 2012

Living with the enemy

 

" I put a cord round my neck and thought about pulling it tight. I thought I'm not a good person... then I thought about my daughter and I went to see my friend because I didn't know what to do & I was desperate...." She began to weep. "I can't take it any more. I don't know what I can do"

It was Monday morning. We'd been open less than an hour. Already my impressive (& important) list of things I needed to do was mentally being shelved. People are more important than things I reminded myself.
She'd droppped her young child off at school and taken advantage of the fact that she was out of the house to go to a friends and ask for advice. Her friend was a member of our church and had brought her to us.
 
"My husband's not a bad person. He's never hit me..." She explained the situation to me. An arranged marriage, a strange country, little money, no family support and a life full of constant criticism, bullying and control.

"Sometimes the mental scars that words leave are worse than bruises. Bruises heal in time. Words can leave scars for a lifetime." I explained. She agreed.

"You are not a bad person. It is not right that he treats you like this." I said firmly but gently.
"You are not alone. You are not the only person this is happening to and there is help you can get." 
 
I explained gently that what she was experiencing was emotional, rather than physical abuse but it was still wrong.

 

According to Women's Aid:
* On average it takes a woman to be assaulted 35 times before anyone calls the police.
Which is why I wasn't surprised it had taken 6 years for her to get this far.

"But what can I do?" 

What she could do & what she would do, according to Women's Aid statistics, are two very different things. With her agreement though we talked to an advice worker from Women's Aid who patiently talked her through her options.

 It was then I discovered that the system encourages people to find employment then discriminates against them when they do. Because she had part time work she would have to pay the full rent and that would take most of her earnings. She would then have to pay all her travel costs to & from work & her child's school. This would leave her very little with which to feed herself & her daughter. In addition she'd also need to pay childcare to look after her child's whilst she was at work. I managed to stop myself telling her the best thing she could do was leave her job to make herself eligible for full housing benefit and support. Having a job was the last bit of self respect she had left. it was a symbol of her independence & she was understandably, not ready to give it up.

I felt deflated for her. Could it really be that because she worked and had a child her best option was to stay with the man who had made her feel like the only option she had left, that morning, was to put a cord round her neck and pull it tight?

She looked emotionally exhausted and extremely disappointed by the Catch 22 situation. 
She looked at her watch & started to get anxious " I need to go. It's lunch time. I need to make sure I'm in time to collect my daughter from school" Then she sobbed "I can't face going home. I can't take any more of this"

I wish I could tell you that her and her child got into a hostel and lived happily ever after. But I can't. She did go home and as far as I know she's still there. 

Here at Northampton Jesus Centre we work with people in a non- judgemental way respecting their choices whilst providing information and support to enable them to make informed decisions about their lives.