" I put a cord round my neck and thought about pulling it tight. I thought I'm not a good person... then I thought about my daughter and I went to see my friend because I didn't know what to do & I was desperate...." She began to weep. "I can't take it any more. I don't know what I can do"
It was Monday morning. We'd been open less than an hour. Already my impressive (& important) list of things I needed to do was mentally being shelved. People are more important than things I reminded myself.
She'd droppped her young child off at school and taken advantage of the fact that she was out of the house to go to a friends and ask for advice. Her friend was a member of our church and had brought her to us.
"My husband's not a bad person. He's never hit me..." She explained the situation to me. An arranged marriage, a strange country, little money, no family support and a life full of constant criticism, bullying and control.
"Sometimes the mental scars that words leave are worse than bruises. Bruises heal in time. Words can leave scars for a lifetime." I explained. She agreed.
"You are not a bad person. It is not right that he treats you like this." I said firmly but gently.
"You are not alone. You are not the only person this is happening to and there is help you can get."
I explained gently that what she was experiencing was emotional, rather than physical abuse but it was still wrong.
According to Women's Aid:
* On average it takes a woman to be assaulted 35 times before anyone calls the police.
Which is why I wasn't surprised it had taken 6 years for her to get this far."But what can I do?"
What she could do & what she would do, according to Women's Aid statistics, are two very different things. With her agreement though we talked to an advice worker from Women's Aid who patiently talked her through her options.
It was then I discovered that the system encourages people to find employment then discriminates against them when they do. Because she had part time work she would have to pay the full rent and that would take most of her earnings. She would then have to pay all her travel costs to & from work & her child's school. This would leave her very little with which to feed herself & her daughter. In addition she'd also need to pay childcare to look after her child's whilst she was at work. I managed to stop myself telling her the best thing she could do was leave her job to make herself eligible for full housing benefit and support. Having a job was the last bit of self respect she had left. it was a symbol of her independence & she was understandably, not ready to give it up.
I felt deflated for her. Could it really be that because she worked and had a child her best option was to stay with the man who had made her feel like the only option she had left, that morning, was to put a cord round her neck and pull it tight?
She looked emotionally exhausted and extremely disappointed by the Catch 22 situation.
She looked at her watch & started to get anxious " I need to go. It's lunch time. I need to make sure I'm in time to collect my daughter from school" Then she sobbed "I can't face going home. I can't take any more of this"
I wish I could tell you that her and her child got into a hostel and lived happily ever after. But I can't. She did go home and as far as I know she's still there.
Here at Northampton Jesus Centre we work with people in a non- judgemental way respecting their choices whilst providing information and support to enable them to make informed decisions about their lives.
